Earl Interrupted - There and Back again ...

Never Forget

2009-09-26T21:54:00.008-06:00

This last week several polls about the war in Afghanistan were widely reported in the media. Net net, it was determined that roughly half of all Americans are tired of the war in Afghnistan and feel that it is time to walk away. According to the White House Press Office, the President is weighing his options.

As per normal, I'll share a few thoughts (This is after all my blog and I get to say whatever I want) WTF - that came out of nowhere. Seriously though - have we forgotten why we invaded Afghanistan?

Let me remind you.

Although polls are an accepted part of our political landscape, they should never be used to make policy. Divestiture of the Afghan problem would simply lay bare an area four times the size of Texas for Islamic Extremists to train and prepare for their next horrific attack on the free nations of the world and yes (even to the Obama haters) that includes the United States - this beautiful country we all love and that my family has bled for since the revolutionary war. I realize that most of you who read this blog are military or veteran associated and so, like me and mine, have a vested interest in what happens in these wars we have been fighting. I also realize that a few of you have no such association and it is to you this message goes.

War and what it brings (mostly to the young) is abhorrent to all civilized peoples and yet there are times when it is necessary to depose those who would seek to inflict tragedy on others. Young men woman must die. I know too many - as friends and sons and fathers and even one mother. It is a burden I carry with me each day as I wake and each night as I sleep but it is a burden I believe in. Their lives have not been in spent in vain. As of this morning eight hundred forty-eight young American men and woman have laid down their lives in this far away place so that you and I will never have to suffer the consequences of Radical Muslims who believe that our deaths (all of our deaths) is a requirement to stand faithfully in front of God. If we leave, if we do not bring hope to a land that is void of hope and thus a breeding ground for radicalism, we will surely consign ouselves to greater tragedies in the years to come.

Each of these service members stand proudly on a wall, they give their lives, so that we never have to count the thousands or even the tens of thousands on our soil again. Do you think we should base their sacrifice on a poll - plus or minus 3.5%

TIA

EARL

Back with a Vengance

2009-09-24T23:08:00.008-06:00

Sorry for the long hiatus friends.

I needed time for me and for my family as a lot has been happening and I owe some call outs:

1) BBG had her charity event and she and her quilting supporters finished over 200 quilts for our wounded and injured as they are medevac'd through Landstuhl. They also raised over $7,000 for the veterans wheelchair games which will be held in Denver next July. I'd like to call out the nurses and staff at the VA who gave her their time, love and support in this effort. I won't name them "D, JS, and crew". You know I hate to be the butterfly. I'd also like to thank the woman of the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR) of which she is one. They are truly an example of friendship, love and support and stand for what makes America the greatest place in the world. They are the patriots who can trace their lineage to our war of independence and once again they have risen to the occasion. Jim and Nicks barbecue of Denver for showing true support and providing amazing barbecue at cost for the Phipps Mansion display and celebration of 180 quilts. You are all patriots and I will be there if ever you need me. You have earned it.

2) The armor company, EBS Composites Group, of which I am the COO and which has made some mind bending advances in body, vehicle, marine and aircraft armor in the last few months. It has taken every waking hour above and beyond my day job as an engineer. Soon you will hear our name lots as we are stopping rounds at half the weight and 30% of the cost of most of the industry. After all, why should our soldiers be weighed down any more than they already are and why should our government pay a premium to save the lives of the men and woman who stand on a wall in our names. This aint hype - last weekend I unloaded a full nine millimeter clip and a mag of 44s into a .7 lb AD panel, at point blank range, with no penetrations and multiple Ak rounds into a 1lb AD plate with the same result. The armor market's about to be turned upside down.

3) My herd of kidlets for suviving all of this without much parental support and most importantly I owe the world to BBG.

4) BBG has done all of this despite being physically crushed and dealing with PTSD that seems to be at its worst right now. She is a force of nature, despite her disabilities and it is why, 18 years ago, I married her. Her tenacity in the face of all of this makes me feel a little more insignificant and blessed every day. Now I just need to figure out a way to get her a cleaning lady.

Now that I've gotten all of that out of the way, I want to give you a heads up on tomorrow's blog:

It will be about the war in Afghanistan and the fact the pollsters say America is sick of being invloved in it. I'll share why this is a war we must fight and if need be why I would be willing to fight it for you.

TIA

Earl

Things that go boom in the night

2009-06-02T01:10:00.009-06:00

It's an all nighter tonight.

I'm a business process engineer by civilian trade: O if only I could sell a couple of novels ;-) I enable people to do things in leaner and more efficient ways that enable businesses to turn strategies into tactics. Sounds cool if you like numbers. Otherwise - just another engineer.

Tonight I will stay up all night rebuilding a stochastic model of my division's financial performance for the next ten years, based upon efficiency gains that I have designed, so the senior leadership team can do it's long range business planning. The problem is that they are on another continent doing the planning while I am here answering their changing assumptions via e-mail.

Its my own damn fault - I took the day off today.

I took the day off so that I could do my process improvement and development work as a favor for a friend. Can't name him here - you know the drill.

One ripple in the wind..

and I hate to be the butterfly. You'll all hear about him one day soon. My friend is the closest thing to a mad scientist that you could ever meet. he is well educated, genius smart and the ideas flow from his mind like water from a hose - fire hose. He has also invented a new kind of body armor that is flexible, moldable, provides more coverage and weighs way less than the SAPI plates we've all had to put up with. It could even be used to up-armor a humvee at way less weight than is currently done (no more top heavy roll-overs) In a word - he's figured it out and I am privileged to help design the production processes that will get this to market one day.

It will probably take us awhile to do. There are government regulations, relationships to build, money to raise (lots of it) and a world of obstacles to overcome before something like this can come to market or ride a soldier's body through Baghdad or Kabul or line the body of a Border Patrol truck.

Its coming though. He does this full time. I work days off, late nights and weekends and never once has my family complained. they know I love it almost as much as flying or writing and eventually someone will come home and hug their kids or their parents and families because his invention brought them home and my processes made it manufacturable. They know there's a purpose behind this one.

Four young Americans died in two seperate IED attacks in Afghanistan today.

Tonight I'm pulling an all nighter because I took today off to work on armor.

Its worth it but I wish we could go faster.

TIA

Earl

Wounded Warrior Project - Denver

2009-05-27T16:45:00.006-06:00

Denver - May 23, 2008 Soldiers Ride

Thanks to the Wounded Warrior Project!! BBG Had a great Day!

TIA

Earl

Soldiers Ride - Wounded Warrior Project

2009-05-25T22:54:00.010-06:00

Post # 2 (Better News)

Every once in awhile I get to talk about something cool here. This weekend my wife rode in the Soldiers Ride in Denver a product of the Wounded Warrior Program. (Links Below)

Wounded Warrior Program

https://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/content/view/412/875/

Soldier's Ride

http://sr.woundedwarriorproject.org/

She was approached through some of these wonderful folks at the VA to be a part of this experience. She was full of trepidation. After all, our own attempts to get her back on a bike hadn't been so successful. Her balance is shot to hell so its a lot like teaching the 6 year-old how to ride a bike - difference is she used to be an athlete and the idea that it would be hard to ride a bike again was totally foreign. I was sure I could get her up and going but failed miserably.

They put her on a recumbent sit down bike and Friday night she road eight miles as a prep for Saturday's ride. Despite the misgivings of the safety officer, they agreed to let her do it on Saturday. She made it. My wife, BBG, who used to knock out twenty like it was nothing road twenty miles on a bike was able to do it again. A simple pleasure we had thought lost forever was hers.

She cried when I met her at the end. Then she told me over and over how she had done it. A lunch provided by the Denver Hard Rock Cafe was a great way to end a very special weekend.

The mission of the Wounded Warrior Project is to honor and empower wounded warriors.

The Wounded Warrior Project’s (WWP) Soldier Ride is a rehabilitative cycling program for wounded warriors and an advocacy program for today’s wounded warriors. For many of these combat-wounded veterans, Soldier Ride provides the first and important step in their return to an active lifestyle.
Many of these men and women have been physically active throughout their lives. Soldier Ride offers them the chance to get on a bike and prove to themselves, "I can still do this." Soldier Ride is not about politics; it's not about the war. It's simply about the soldiers. It’s about mindshare for the men and women that serve or have served in the United States Armed Forces.

There is much more to the Wounded Warrior Project and more programs than just the soldier's Ride. Please take the time to visit the web sites listed above, to find out more and to give your time, support, energy and even money if you can. As always, please share these links with friends family, local media, and your elected officials in your area.

Our greatest failure would be to let these heros fight this battle alone.

TIA

Earl

Two posts tonight - back with a vengence

2009-05-25T22:22:00.005-06:00

First post:

My friend - Aviation Commander, father, husband, PTSD sufferer who I have repeatedly promised to tell you about called yesterday to thank my wife and I for our service.

She deserves it - as does he.

I, a glorified whirlybird bus driver, do not.

I'll bypass his story for now and share our conversation.

Him: Dude how are you? Hey, sorry we haven't talked in a couple of weeks. Wife had the baby - she's beautiful and amazing (Baby and wife).

**NOTE: He gave me the stats and all I can remember is baby girl, name is normal, and she was 19.5" long - I am pathetic and I apologize to mother and father. Remember me as a caring friend with the memory of a toad.

Me: Congrats brother. You must be so proud - two beautiful daughters.

Him: I am - she lights ups the room - lights up me.

Me: How are you doing? Writing much lately?

Him: Fuck no - I just can' get into it lately (sad for an award wining Columbia MFA). I try but it just won't come. I'm a slacker!

Me: You OK otherwise?

Him: Kinda - the nightmares are really bad. Almost every night. At least I'm up when the baby cries though.

Me: Any luck with the VA? (his disability package is in the purgatory of the VA process. So much for reducing their average wait time down from 173 days. I'm a six sigma black belt and guarantee I could cut it by 30% but they have declined my offers to help)

Him: No - I'm kinda giving up on that. I get to see someone from my wife's health care program. They have no clue what war is like but at least its someone to talk to.

Me: I'll make a call on Tuesday to my wife's VA therapist she'll get you in.

Him (resigned) Sure dude thanks - whatever you can do.

As god is my witness, I will call this therapist tomorrow morning first thing. She is overwhelmed with troops in need and probably has no life outside the VA but she'll get him in. She cares and will go the extra mile. I owe her my life, my wife's life and our marriage and I'll ask for one more favor. She'll find a way to get him in. The VA is filled with folks like her. They care and give to the detriment of their own lives

My friend needs help and it isn't readily available. As an Army Officer this shames me. As an American this shames me. On this Memorial Day, we owe our freedoms to good men like my friend yet very few are doing everything they can - except for the overburdened caregivers at the VA - they do it until they become casualties themselves. Unable to bear the weight of so many and still take care of themselves.

If you read this, do me a favor and send a copy to your congressman or senator. Ask them to ensure this stops happening. Share it with your local newspaper or your neighbor. We need to get the word out and keep it in the headlines until it stops - until all get the help they need, We owe it to them.

TIA

Earl

Sometimes you just have to get away

2009-05-20T22:29:00.005-06:00

Its been two months and one day since I've posted - sorry! I'll make my excuses short and get back to what I do.

1) Work has been insane. As an aside (meaning on my own time), I've fallen into providing process engineering support to an engineer and inventor who has developed some material that provides ballistic protection at weights that are significantly lower than what is currently out there. Imagine a humvee that is not so top heavy it flips every time you turn a sharp corner or imagine body armor shaped like your body at half the weight of what our soldiers are currently wearing.

Amazing!

2) I've been tired. Every once in awhile I get wrapped back up in me. I'm tired of being the caregiver. I just want to be a husband or a dad. I don't want to be the husband of the disabled Iraq vet. I will always be that but sometimes I like to pretend I'm not and so I stay away for a time.

Our lives are OK right now. Summer is coming and no longer having the ability to regulate body temp is definitely starting to affect BBG so I am wary of what summer will bring. I am already starting to find my children tucked in at night wearing an occasional ski toque. On a brighter note, she is involved in some sort of project which will be highlighting women vets and their lives post Iraq/Afghanistan. A photographer and writer was here today and will spend some time with us over the next little while learning about our lives.

Smart money says she'll be half crazy by the end of the week. Thank god for the meth lab in the basement!

It felt funny. I know I write about all of this so its not exactly a secret but it's different somehow when you say it out loud. Perhaps there is comfort in not saying things out loud. There is certainly a certain level of comfort in the anonymity that comes with being the average unknown redneck writer in the blogosphere and I must admit I kind of like that.

So I'm back - Tomorrow, I'll share a story about a friends son's sad return from Iraq and his efforts to get retired and have his VA disability completed. As per normal, it could be mapped at the same speed as continental drift.

TIA

Earl

Bald Eagle no longer National Symbol

2009-03-19T19:10:00.005-06:00

Sorrry Mom but I couldn't help it.

TIA

Earl

30 percent of soldiers in Iraq have considered suicide

2009-03-18T20:22:00.008-06:00

My next story about a friend and his struggle to get care for PTSD is being delayed for another day - sorry.

Every once in awhile, someone drops a newspaper article or story from around the world about PTSD, life after Iraq/afghanistan, Military suicide rates etc. I can't imagine why! Of course, you know the drill - veteran care and suicide is my cause and will be for the rest of my life. Its kinda close to home.

Today I received two links:

Link # 1 is about a Maine vet who says he has been saved by a story about a Massachusetts Marine who took his life after running into the road blocks I talk so frequently about.

Link #2 is the story of that young Marine who lost the fight.

Aside from the shame I feel for the failure of our system to provide for one Marine, lost to his family and friends forever, I am proud that there are still Americans out there who feel the pain of every loss.

Here are the links:

#1

http://thephoenix.com/Boston/News/78245-Gulf-War-vet-saved-by-Phoenix-article/#anchormore

#2

http://thephoenix.com/Boston/News/78044-Soldiers-committing-suicide/

I ask you this: If you know a service member who is struggling to adjust to life after Iraq, Afghanistan or other points unknown in the Global War on Terror. Talk to them. Beg them to get help. Make the call for them and most important of all, follow up to find out if they are getting help or running into barriers.

I know it becomes difficult and interrupts your lives but they need you. They need us. Please - help them overcome the barriers.

TIA

Earl

President Obama Screws Veterans

2009-03-17T23:33:00.004-06:00

Urgent News so next friend from Iraq with PTSD will have to wait another day - sorry!

President Obama told Representatives from Veterans Groups Monday that he is still considering a proposal to have treatment for service-connected injuries charged to veterans' private insurance plans.

I may not be a Democrat but I am proud of the process we have in place and Obama is my president and our Commander in Chief. The above statement is a slap in the face to our wounded and injured veterans.

We as a nation owe free medical care for injuries received in the line of duty. It is our debt, our social contract, with the men and woman who have stood in harms way in our names.

How is it acceptable for us to expect our wounded and injured to begin footing the bill for injuries incurred in our name.

This is our nations shame and the Commander in Chief is the primary perpetrator. I don't know how else to express it. Maybe its time to start hanging flags upside down again.

TIA

EARL

PTSD Story

2009-03-13T23:02:00.011-06:00

True to my word (more them less me)here's story of a friend and poet just returned from his second tour in Iraq as an infantry officer.

Tomorrow will be friend two, aviation commander two years after Iraq.

SO here's the deal, friend one today, I'll call him Z. I got an e-mail from Z that really bothered me. He just wanted to "Hey I'm back, alive, writing my ass off and still hiding in a bottle but less than I have been." He's a great guy and a very talented poet and budding screen writer. We met in between tours and because of a shared military skill set and that whole Operation Homecoming thing, hit it off right away. I missed being able to communicate more but you know how sporadic comms are from Baghdad. Needless to say, it was more random than not and we missed out on a lot of what we've been doing for the last two years.

Z was an Army Officer, Infantry to be exact and very good at it. He also managed to get lucky and when his time was up, the Army managed to accidentally let him go (An extremely unusual thing for a one block company grade infantry officer - OK for any Infantry Officer with a pulse and less than a major felony). He went to Texas, to be in an affordable place where he could be by the beach, write, drink, and see the world go by - preferably in bikinis. I think he deserved it.

For those of you who are not intimately familiar with the military, everyone who signs on the line, owes a minimum of eight years. Now, in most cases - for Officers, this means six years of active duty and two years of IRR (Individual Ready Reserve. During your time on the IRR, you are subject to recall at any time.

Z was just shy of his 8th year when he opened his mail slot to find the letter. I call it the letter because to call it anything else would be to make it seem like normal correspondence - "Dear Z, Ed McMahon is on his way. Please wait by your door" or "Dear Z, if you don't pay your bill, we will disconnect your water on Friday."

Despite being more than a little pissed off about being invited on a long date with Uncle Sam, Z showed up at Fort Somewhere, did his month of training and went merrily on his way to Iraq for twelve or more months in a somewhere shitty kind of place.

Z could have dodged the bullet. He was definitely suffering from PTSD among other crap you carry home with you from the big sandy but he is after all an Army Officer. He did not believe he could say no when so many others were still walking in harms way.

The Z who came home this time is different from the friend I knew when he came home last time - his writing is angrier, when he can even make himself write it down, he drinks for the drunk not for joy of a little fun with good friends, and he seems sad. He is not my dog ran away sad. He is fuck the world, I shot my dog on a street in Baghdad sad and I can't sleep and I don't really want to anyway sad.

He said to me recently that he doesn't understand why it bothers him so much this time. He saw much less death and every day was not a sphincter clenching I will die here today kind of day. It was actually pretty damn boring this time aside from the mortars and the odd Baghdad fight but it feels worse. (Poetic license here) Some guy bumped into me in the bar and I beat him until it dawned on me that he was unconscious on the ground and I couldn't tell if the blood was coming from my hands or the mess that was his face.

Good news - Z was rushed out by a friend and didn't go to jail.

He asked me about BBG and how she's doing and how she's dealing with her PTSD. I told him honestly that some days are good and some days suck but more are better now. I reminded him that shortly after she got out of the hospital and I finally let her drive that she forced a woman in a mini van off the road for driving too close to our vehicle. (sadly no poetic license here)

Good news - BBG had no weapon so she did not disable the woman or her vehicle.

I said to him the same things I have said to BBG and to my other friends with PTSD. You need help. You need to go to the VA and wait until someone sees you - even if takes fourteen hours, two days or a week. You need to get into a group with other OIF/OEF combat vets and talk about it. You need to get off the booze or that friend who saved you from jail will fade away and you will be alone. Most of all - talk with friends and know that you are just like tens of thousands of others. If you work through it, it may never go away but it will dull with time.

You have to be open to help and know that without it, you will lose yourself in the rage and the pain and in the middle of the night, if you have no one, you can call me.

He hasn't called and I haven't heard from him lately. (probably because I suck and got wrapped in my own whine for soooo long that I forgot about a friend.)

I hope to god its because he's out doing things that us married guys only dream about.

TIA

Earl

Taking Chance - Again

2009-03-05T00:23:00.011-07:00

I think it was a couple of weeks ago that I talked about Taking Chance a new film based on LTC Michael Strobel's account of his journey with the remains of PFC Chance Phelps to the young Marine's home in Wyoming for his burial.

I first read the story the day after the Operation Homecoming book launch as I flew home to Denver. I've never been more moved by this war - these wars - in my life. I've got to be honest though, I'm not sure if I was so moved by his families loss and The Colonel's witness or if it was my relief that all I got was the 0300 call when BBG was medevac'd out of Iraq. I often feel guilty for this and I feel inadequate when I express my condoloances to the families who have given all in service of our nation. I imagine their sorrow and loss and I ache for them.

I feel guilty because as I wonder on their anguish, I am even more thankful that BBG came home. We may have bad days but we have days.

TIA

Earl

Lizzie Palmer

2009-03-02T09:24:00.004-07:00

Every once in awhile, I run across one of these videos and I can't help but throw it up here. The story behind this is that 15 y0 Lizzie Palmer created this in 2006 as a school project. Its an oldie but a goodie.

TIA

Earl

Break time is Over

2009-02-24T22:46:00.009-07:00

I'll skip the lame excuses for my hiatus this time. Suffice it to say, I just got busy. Mind you not in terms of gettin buzzzy :-(

I promised at the end of my last post to take some time and talk about what life is like in a Post GWOT PTSD family (enough acronyms!). This one is easy..

It blows huge A$$

Sorry mom - I know you hate it when I swear but at my age the failures are no longer considered yours so just deal with it and love me for who I am.

Besides - this is my secret identity (sadly neither Pink or Scarlett J with or without Jello will ever know who I am)

Anyway, back to the topic. Living in a PTSD family is like living on the razor. One day you slide left and one day you slide right. Either side can be good or bad and life hanging on to the middle cuts you right between the toes. If you happen to fall in the middle its a big razor up the a$$ so you have to learn to fall to either side but never straight down.

Most days, I try to balance it just right and I'm successful. The laundry gets done, the herd gets fed, and BBG says she loves me before she falls asleep irregardless of the drugs on board. On the bad days, life goes down in one of about four different ways:

1) BBG is feeling physically ill and struggling to make it through the day and the kids are being jerks and I am unable to put humpty back together again (Bad), 2) BBG is OK emotionally, but is physically ill and I am running thirty seconds behind everything that happens. Its been going on for ten days or so and I lose the will to fight another losing battle and I lose my cool. I'm a man so I lose my cool in a stomp around the house three year-old temper tantrum passive agressive sort of way (Very bad), 3) BBG is doing fine but I have not yet recovered from # 2 and carry on (Verry Baddd) and 4) My personal favorite - something triggers BBG's PTSD in a bad way (burnt barbecue, dogs, crowds and very loud noises are the worst offenders - I'll leave it up to your imagination why). She is pissed off, cranked up, ready for war and the smallest issue with previously mentioned grommets sends her through the roof. They in turn have learned to react to these days by behaving exactly like mommy and the spiral steepens. (razor up your butt kinda bad day)

We talk openly about these things because we are trying to keep ourselves and BBG sane. We also talk about it because we don't want to become one of those statistics I frequently post about. I think this is helping but lets be honest...

If you're standing in the tracks as the train comes at you, knowing it doesn't do any damn good. The only way to not get run over by the train is to get off the damn tracks. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?

I think someone nailed my shoes down

TIA

Earl

A Me day

2009-02-13T22:27:00.007-07:00

OK - most of this year will be dedictaed to our wounded.

Today is just me being a dad.

I need to stop being a soldier and I need to chill out. A friend from work is headed to a bikini vacation in Bali and she was telling me all about it over dinner on my recent business trip to Europe. Unintentionally, I gave her a forty five minute threat and personal security briefing. She told me today that she might not go.

oops

To make things even worse, I am sending my baby girl (sixteen and about to be a senior in high school) off to China for a month of language emersion this coming summer. I was on the phone with someone from the program's offices in Toronto today and found myself grilling her about about security issues. I probably owe her an apology but I'm going to hide behind the concerned parent excuse rather than the Army Officer and husband of messed up Iraq vet. It seems a little more normal.

You know I was getting a little excessive when BBG - the woman who wakes up screaming and starts digging in the comforter for her weapon late at night tells me to chill out.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you a little bit what happens to you after you've lived with a PTSD vet for awhile.

TIA

Earl

Taking Chance

2009-02-11T21:21:00.011-07:00

Many of you who have followed my little rants against the world for a while, know that I was one of the contributors to the NEA, Boeing, Random House Book - Operation Homecoming and a member of one of the two documentary films made about the book. I was very fortunate to attend book signings at the Library of Congress and around the country and to meet and interact with some of the greats in American Literature: Andrew Carroll, Mark Bowden, Jeff Shaara and Ray Bradbury and all of the brilliant young men and women who contributed to the book. Very cool stuff for an aspiring writer.

I never read the book in its entirety until I got a copy at the book launch and signing at the library of Congress a couple of years back. As I flew home from DC to Denver on a packed United Airlines 757, I read it cover to cover. It is a powerful read and as my story is a part of the collection it is even more poignant. The last thing I read was "Taking Chance" by LTC Michael Strobel. It's the story of his travels, escorting the remains of Marine Chance Phelps home to his family in Wyoming.

In this airplane full of harried business folks on their way home from a hard week's work, I cried as much as I cried when I got the 0330 call from a young Marine LCPL at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center as BBG was unloaded from the medevac flight out of Iraq.

Although I would love you to read the book to hear all of our stories this one is a must read and a must see. Below are links to Operation Homecoming, the documentary film about the book, and the trailer to Taking Chance.

Operation Homecoming:

http://www.nea.gov/national/homecoming/index.html

Muse of Fire - Documentary Film (Free DVD):

http://www.museoffire.net/Request_a_DVD.html

Taking Chance:

TIA

Earl

Sad News

2009-02-11T20:19:00.017-07:00

SO I mentioned the other day that I would add a really sobering post. I'm sorry that it took me so long to get it up but this is probably one of the most distrubing things that I have addressed here in the past and given recent events do so again.

Its a critical issue that anyone who has served in OIF, OEF, the GWOT and their families have to deal with. It is in fact the elephant in this room of war that we are perpetualy engaged in.

Army Suicide Numbers have spiked at an alarming rate

On February 5th, the Army announced that it had seven confirmed suicides last month and are investigating another seventeen. They will in all probability be ruled suicides and so the Army has its highest suicide rate in one month for as long as they've been keeping records - this as a string of years of higher and higher suicide rates continues to grow. There are no details about the individuals who have lost all hope and ended it or the locations where the suicides have occurred. Fort Campbell, KT has however confirmed four suicides last month near the base. As a former Screaming Eagle - it breaks my heart,. As an Officer I feel we are letting our soldiers down. As an American, I am ashamed that the issues our soldiers face in war and after multiple deployments are a low priority in our lives.

As the husband of BBG and all of her injuries, surgeries, and struggles with PTSD and post medical retirement it is a fear that lives in us - always just under the surface. I will tell you this: we talk about it openly because I don't want to lose my babies momma. I am going to list a couple of resources below.

If you know a soldier or vet struggling to deal with life after the suck please refer them to these links - hell give them my e-mail. I'll stop whatever I'm doing and get them pointed to the right people especially if they live in the Denver Metro area.

Here's the links:

1) A great PSA from actor Gary Sinise, a true veterans advocate.

2) This is the Army's Suicide Prevention Website

http://chppm-www.apgea.army.mil/dhpw/Readiness/suicide.aspx

3) This is the VA Suicide Website

http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/suicide_prevention/index.asp

and finally here is the number to the VA suicide Prevention Hotline - it is open and staffed 24/7/365.

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

We have failed every time one of our own loses all hope and see suicide as relief from their pain. Please spread the message.

TIA

Earl

When you need it done right

2009-02-05T19:52:00.011-07:00

I stole this post from Airman Mom, another milblogger who has a great site. You can check her out here:

http://airmanmom.blogspot.com

She made my day. I hope you like it.

A soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give! you exactly 15 minutes.'

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting'.

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair,went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The soldier calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.'

On a side note - I have another post ready for tomorrow but it was just too sad to talk about after seeing this. I'll post it tomorrow.

TIA

Earl

Thanks for the Fish

2009-01-26T16:04:00.006-07:00

Back in Europe for work. Sounds cool but let's be honest - I've got three kids, a disabled wife and a house full of neurotic pets. I have responsibilities at home and I want to be with them.

This blows huge a$$!

Good to get that off my chest. Today is not about them; M, BBG, the grommets, or other wayward and god protected fools. Its about YOU. I just wanted to say thanks for all of the great notes and comments I've been getting over the last few weeks. If you never read, I'd still write - its my thing. It does however help me a lot. This is my wee way of making sure that the above and those to come are never forgotten. It is also a way for me to feel a little less alone in this giant interconnected world that isolates us all. I get to throw out my two cents, in what I hope is a reasonable fashion and some of you have been very kind over the long haul. I write because I need to but its nice to be noticed.

All I can say is thanks but its a heartfelt one at that. I would ask one thing: Share my blog or some of the others out there about all of this with a friend and ask them to pass it on.

Great directory is http://www.blogcatalog.com

Here's my continuing spiel...

We have tens of thousands of young men and women who have been injured and wounded in service of our nation. This is a non political issue. We have a responsibility to take care of those who serve in our name. The only way that will happen is if we spread the message. I have friends who lived in horrible conditions for more than a year while they went through the Army Physical Disability Evaluation System (PDES) and no one cared until a hole in the back corner of Walter Reed showed up in the Washington Post and on NBC nightly news. You don't have to pick my blog but find one or two about life after the GWOT and pass it around. Make sure that M's stop happening.

TIA

Earl

Fiddler's Green

2009-01-18T15:53:00.005-07:00

The beautiful thing about the military is that you lose track of old friends, switch duty stations, walk into the briefing room and lo and behold - there they are. The years melt away and you fill the gap with stories of wives, children, and the myriad of other things that fill our lives.

I learned today that an old friend's son was killed in Afghanistan last July. I remember when he was fourteen and wanted nothing more than a day with his dad. He died, a cavalryman, saving his soldiers. This one goes out to his mother and father. Nothing we say can ever be enough.

Fiddler's Green (Cavalry)

Halfway down the trail to hell
In a shady meadow green,
Are the souls of all dead troopers camped
Near a good old-time canteen

And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddler's Green.

Marching past, straight through to hell,
The infantry are seen, '
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marine,

For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Flddlers' Green.

Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene,
No trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he's emptied his canteen,

And so rides back to drink agaln
With friends at Fiddlers' Green.

And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge or fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,

And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers' Green.

TIA

Earl

VFW: Vets Take Care of Their Own

2009-01-14T18:49:00.027-07:00

The new year is here so now I live up to my promise.

Less me and more them!

Last Sunday, the VFW and Women's its Auxiliary, here in Denver, treated a group of vets and their families to a day at the National Western Stock Show. My wife and children and I were fortunate enough to be part of that group. They took care of us, bought us tickets, lunch, dinner, games, and included disposable camera's, cowboy hats for the kids, and for some reason a huge gift card to a local grocery store. For a day, we got to relax and we got to spend some time with other disabled vets and their families and some families of currently deployed service members.

Members of the VFW and the Women's Auxiliary escorted us throughout the event. I spent the rodeo seated with the parents of Navy Seal Danny Dietz, Navy Cross honoree, who was killed in Afghanistan in 2005. Two people who gave the most precious gift a parent can give to their nation gave a little bit more to me and my family. I am honored and humbled to have spent time with them and my simple "Thank you" was inadequate at best.

Once again our Veteran's Organizations have proven that we take care of our own.

I'd like to give a shout out to the individual folks who put this on but you know how I am about calling out names here and I'd how hate to be the butterfly so as a prior enlisted Marine and an Army Warrant I'll fall back on old faithful - Semper Fi!

I had the chance to spend some time with a young soldier who was badly wounded in Iraq back in 2005. He can walk again and despite the dark sunglasses (Post TBI Migraine need) it was like walking with many of the NCO's I have called my brothers, friends, and soldiers. He has been beaten up and broken up but he is not broken down and its his story I'd like to share today. I'll call him "M".

M, like my BBG, was hit by an IED or many as is the case for lots of our disable GWOT vets. After three tours, he has a traumatic brain injury among other issues. He was rushed out of the Army like so many others. He was not retired by the Army. He was given a ten percent disability, a small severance check and sent packing. Like BBG, he is changed forever. Like BBG, he grimaces and pushes on, ignores the cane in the corner when he can, and gives thanks for what he has left - his life!

His parent left their home and life in New Mexico to take care of their baby boy because that's what parents do. They came to his aid so he didn't have to live in a VA Group Home and so they could ensure he received the best of care. They dropped it all and took care of the boy they raised into a man so our Nation could use him and spit him out. I don't mean to sound bitter (OK - too bitter) but this should not be happening any more. As Americans we owe them (M, BBG, and thousands of others) more than a bum rush out the door when they're no longer battle ready.

It is obvious that the Army screwed up but it is made worse by the fact that the Army continues to screw this young man. You see, he has appealed his 10% disability and the Army, in all its wisdom, now says that it has no record that he ever served in Iraq. If he never served in Iraq, they reason, he could never have been wounded and thus he does not deserve an appeal.

Even more amazing, M and his parents are thankful that he came home. They are thankful and proud to have served - proud to be Americans. Like so many others, he looks at what he has accomplished, not at what he has lost.

I will try to live up to that example this year.

There are thousands of M's out there and we need to fix it. If our military's senior leaders cannot correct this systemic failure in their own organizations, they have lost the right to lead. I am sure that many of you will be more than a little pissed at me for that comment but lets be honest here: We promote General Officers because they have the superior leadership skills and the technical skills to be war fighters and administrators. They are not living up to the standard and we need to promote men and women who have the skill set to do both. Those who cannot meet the demands of their roles need to go away.

I know the economy is about as bad as it gets but we owe these men and woman. Whether you agree with the politics that have brought us to this place and these wars, we elected the leadership that has sent young men and women in harms way.

We, you and me..

We own this and we owe these young men and women more than a handshake and a thank you. We owe them our dedication and service in their honor. We owe them a system that meets their needs when they are damaged answering the call.

I would challenge each of you to do something. Write letters to your representatives, share this story with your friends. Challenge your local media outlets to tell more of these soldiers' stories. Find a young wife or husband..

Yep - new Army is full of young husbands left behind too

Find them and do something extra. Don't ask, just stop by and mow the lawn, shovel a driveway, babysit and send them to the spa. Let them know that what they do will never be forgotten.

TIA

Earl

What Matters this Year

2008-12-28T21:50:00.021-07:00

A friend once told me that what makes the New Year so great is that its new. In the span of a night, and a lot of bad booze, you can become a new you. It doesn't matter what you said or did the day, hell the year, before. That was then and this is now. You are new and so is the world. I used to believe it.

Sorry Virginia - there isn't a Santa Claus. There are no do overs and the big blue marble still spins at twenty six thousand miles an hour. We cannot stop and we cannot get off. Now, before you roll your eyes and dread the coming storm - its not coming!

We have had a hard few years since my BBG got medevac'd out of Iraq - I've told you all about it but what the hell, the juice has been worth the squeeze.

My wife and I have had adventures that most can never imagine (between you and I, you don't really want to). My daughters know that a woman can do anything - including combat. They know to never surrender, to never give up and that sometimes life hits you with an IED, RPG, or other unpleasant projectile. They know to stand up and be counted. My son knows the Marine Corps Hymn by heart and knows that honor is more than a word.

My children will grow up as Americans. They will know and honor the sacrifices made by those who came before and by those who will surely follow. I pray that don't choose that road but I know the way this works. Soldiers breed soldiers. It is a life of friendship and hardship and it seeps into your bones. It is a part of you.

besides

My oldest daughter wants to fly Hawks like her old man and my son wants to go West Point. Thank god the youngest just wants to be a cheerleader, a vet, and a princess.

Back to my point:

Its been a rough year - OK, four rough years. We are however alive and a little better than we were last year and there are many other young men and women and their families w ho need your help much more than we. This year, I am going to try and tell more of their stories and less of mine.

I hope you'll come back to read them. These young men and women have given so much and despite the thank you's that they hear in airports or the random books and letters that show up on their racks in Iraq and Afghanistan- many of them (many of their families) feel very alone. America's eyes and ears are on a failing economy. They are not on section sixty-one in Arlington. They are not on a friend of mine who can't seem to get his VA claim completed. They are not on the son of a friend who was rushed through the Army Physical Disability Evaluation System (PDES) and discharged with a check for four grand and no benefits.

The New Year is upon us and we're still spinning at twenty-four thousand miles an hour. The market's a mess, jobs are disappearing every day but none of that matters. Young men and women are standing in harms way. They are being blown up by IEDs, RPGs and other shitty things. They are dying.

That matters and this year is for them.

TIA

Earl

Reading and Writing

2008-12-18T16:31:00.004-07:00

Its been a rough month (ok - a rough four years) so you'll have to excuse me if I throw a couple out there that have nothing to do with the familia or Iraq.

You start to get tired

You may have noticed by my goals section to the right that I am a writer. I also happen to be a voracious reader. I probably read five books a week in addition to writing about 5,000 words. For me, the great escape, is a quiet house in the wee hours and good music and great writing or reading. I read it all from history to Steven King to Nicholas Sparks and everything in between.

On that thought - I thought I'd share something with you.

TIA

Earl

Pink Better than Scarlet Jo and Jello

2008-12-17T23:40:00.008-07:00

Sorry SJ - you're still in the top two but sex appeal, a smokin voice and the video did you in. The video says it all

TIA

Earl

Do not go gentle into that good night

2008-12-17T20:47:00.004-07:00

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
(Dylan Thomas)

BBG is alive, the kids are safely tucked into their dreams, and we have hopefully buried the last comrade, friend, son, father, other mothers brother or other - someones other someone and I am tired. Do you suppose its over yet or will I wave at my children as they off to this war we fight - away from the cares of the rest of America?

I knew I should have stayed away from the meth

yeah right

TIA

Earl

Landshark

2008-12-16T16:07:00.005-07:00

Brian Hart lost his son John to a roadside ambush near Kirkuk Iraq in 2003. John and his commander were killed when their unarmored humvee was struck by a roadside bomb. Brian Channeled this loss into proof that we can accomplish anything. The link below is his legacy to his son - The Landshark!

I am saddened by his loss and uplifted by his service to our soldiers. He and John's Uncle have prototyped an unguided ground vehicle (UGV) built for IED detection and destruction, sniper range and ID, as well as perimeter security. It costs less than a third of the large defense industry competitor.

Check it out

You sir are a credit to your son and to your nation.

Thanks

Earl

A Light in the Darkness

2008-12-13T09:50:00.015-07:00

I think the only thing harder being a soldier is being a husband

or a father.

Either way, you invest in the lives of those you love. It doesn't matter if its a friend in a hole in a hole in the wall on a mountain top in a valley twelve thousand miles away or the boy with your name. They are a part of you forever and regardless ,you are better for them. Their triumph and sorrow are shared.

The boy with my name has had a very rough year. He has suffered through things that I cannot imagine and certainly he has been exposed to the things I only began to know and understand when I was much older. A lot has happened this year and in these years since my wife came home and as we make our way through this dark night I have begun to see the light.

My little boy you see

made a friend.

Day after day, he came from his new school, did his homework, went to hockey practice and quietly said; "I have no friends". A whisper at the end of a long day.

As a father, none of this has had as profound an effect on me as the pain of my children. My wife and I are adults and soldiers and these things we have been through are to be expected. It is different for the kids. They never signed the contract, fate just sent them our way.

Just a few weeks ago, I picked up my son from school. I asked the usual questions: How was school? Do you have homework? How was your day? His face lit up and he smiled at me - all teeth and shine. "I met this kid - Logan. We ate lunch together. He'd like to hang out sometime. He plays football on Scottie's team and gets box seats to the Rockies Games!" Months of heartache and four years of sorrow washed away by an eighth grade boy who had the grace to say hello to my heartsick son. My son's grades shot up, the principle e-mailed about how well he was doing and from somewhere came the light that has been gone for so long.

My son wanted to hang out with Logan last weekend but he was still on restriction and had an early hockey game. He knew not to ask. Next weekend I promised and despite the bad news he smiled at me. "Cool - thanks dad!" We had a good weekend and a winning game. Monday morning, he texted me at work:

Logan's dead

Logan Bauman was hit by a car, while crossing the road by his home, Saturday evening December 6, 2008 in Parker Colorado. He was transported to Parker Adventist Hospital and airlifted to Denver Children's Hospital. He died that night surrounded by those who loved him.

We, along with what must have been a thousand others, went to the funeral Thursday. I watched as my son wandered among the crowd, an outlier among the masses - lost and small. His friend gone.

That night I cried silently as my son fall asleep in my arms. One lost boy saved by a new friend I will never have the pleasure of knowing.

I will never meet Logan's parents and I'm sorry for that. They must be wonderful people to have raised this extraordinary young man who recognized that my son needed a friend. For the time Logan gave to me, for the light he turned back on in my son, I am eternally grateful. I can never thank him or his family for giving me back, in a few short weeks, what I could not seem to get on my own.

My son

TIA

Earl

CNN Heroes

2008-11-29T17:41:00.004-07:00

The CNN Heroes special and the Lou Dobbs Heroes special were supposed to be on TV Thanksgiving Day. Instead, we got to watch non-stop coverage of the terrorist attack . I was kind of dissapointed because BBG has started a charity to raise money for the Veterans Wheelchair Games and Quilts of Valor and they were going to do a blurb about it.

Tonight the Lou Dobbs special is almost over and we haven't seen the blurb about her charity but the special has been very good. I would encourage anyone and everyone to watch it Sunday November 30, 2008 at 7:00pm EST.

The one thing I keep returning to in this blog is that we all need to reach out and recognize these veterans every day. Regardless of the economy, the election, your political beliefs about the war, these young men and women have sacrificed their lives for us. They deserve to come home to a fully funded VA and to a country ready and willing to provide every resource they need.

BTW - her twelve seconds of quilting fame were on at the end of the show and it was pretty good. It wasn't as long as the interview and preparation I did with CNN but I am very grateful that they considered her story worthy of recognition.

Now, the grommets are being butt heads and we're in full post-TBI Migrane mode with shots and mid level drugs on board and it isn't doing a damn thing so I'm off to the medical lock box for the good stuff.

TIA

Earl

Homeward Bound

2008-11-18T16:04:00.008-07:00

Once again, I probably don't need to post a damn thing - the title says it all.

Two weeks in Germany is enough. Its a beautiful country but more than anything it just reminds me how good it is to be home and how different and rich and abundant our lives are in the States. It doesn't help that I don't know the language nor do I have an ear for it. Spanish and French came so much more easily and my colleagues here speak English quite well.

aka - there is zero incentive to really learn.

Being the guy I am, I have tried to learn a couple of words each day. Today, I learned two: one at work (Wetter - weather) and the other (Bus - Bus) I leaarned this evening. I learned Bus as I was driving into Frankfurt in Bumper to bumper traffic next to the empty bus lane which had the word bus printed all over it. As I debated with my A driver whether or not I could get away with claiming car pool status with the local polizei if they pulled me over, he kindly pointed out that bus is bus and its painted in big yellow letters every fifty feet for ten miles down Franfurter Strasse.

Everyone's a comedian and we were late for dinner.

I remember coming home from a year in the jungle and how astonished I was when I arrived in a Northern Lake Effect Snow prone place after a trains, planes, buses ride straight from the Amazon river basin. No shanties or raw sewage in the towns, no smell, and no jungle; no beans and rice and constant runs. My first trip to the commissary almost overwhelmed me and the three frozen pizzas I ate when I got home two hours later did the trick instead. It was not a "thank god I'm home with my family" experience. It was an overwhelming, is this real experience that will stay with me forever.

This is different. I'm just glad to be going home to be with my wife and kids. I miss them.

I can't imagine what the plane plane ambulance hospital ambulance plane plane ambulance hospital car ride home from Iraq was like for BBG. I think maybe I'll ask one night when we're all tucked in, drugs are on board, and sleep is almost there. That's the best time for questions like that.

In my defense - she did it all on morphine so it must have been kind of fun or at least very hazy. .

In her defense - business class seats on a certain German Airline turn into beds, there is nintendo in the back of my seat, booze is free, and we get two very good meals turned out by Scarlett Jo look alikes.

Jello is absent.

TIA

Earl

Dreams

2008-11-16T05:49:00.015-07:00

In America, we have the power to make our dreams come true.

I try to write about what we're going through with post Iraq 101. I skip a lot of things because they're private. Since I have thrown anonymity to the wind, I can't talk about some things so I'm going to try and keep this broad.

My wife and I served for a myriad of reasons: Patriotism, food, college money, a life surrounded by men and women of honor. All these things and more drive us and our friends to stand on a wall when others will not. In my case, it was just as much about achieving my dreams as anything else. You know - fast and low in the dark. My BBG did it for family and for her dreams - to be a PA and she was well on her to way to making it until all of this happened.

I am in Germany for work now, playing the loud American, and each day I realize how fortunate we are to grow up in North America. We have bigger homes, cheaper gas, and boundless opportunities. We can achieve whatever we dream - just ask Obama.

All, we have to do is put in the effort and we can become whatever we want. - an astronaut, a PA, even a pilot. To achieve these dreams we have to continue to live in a society of endless possibility - a place where we can achieve the impossible, a place where we can worship who and what we want, and a place where we have the freedom to go after it all. These men and women who stand for us (all of them) do just that. They give us the opportunity to go after it all and a safe place to do it from. I feel privileged to be a part of that special group.

The hardest thing about getting messed up in Iraq is that it kills your dreams. The endless possibilities are gone and now you are faced with a life of limitations. Families of the injured and wounded face difficult financial times, uncertain medical outcomes and a lifetime knowing that they cannot do what they had once intended to do. They have lost their dreams. My son's favorite saying has become, "what’s the point?" I wish I had the right answer but I don't. I'm a father and husband not the miracle worker. I tell him this: "Sometimes you have to change your dreams." I did and so is my wife but no matter what, somewhere in the back of your mind is what if? What if I hadn't gotten hurt? What if I could still do this or that? When a dream becomes so deeply ingrained in your soul (just what dreams do) it becomes very hard to give it up. And so your life become overwhelmingly filled with why's instead of what’s or hows.

I'm trying very hard to switch back to what’s and hows but I've got to be honest with you, some days its still filled with WHYs.

TIA

Earl

travelin

2008-11-08T13:16:00.004-07:00

Its funny - my team lost the election and I'm really not that bothered. regardless of who the next president is, they are in a for a long and very difficult road to the recovery of the economy and our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Bottom line - whoever won (Obama) got screwed!!!

... and I'm OK with that :-)

Duty calls and I'm off for Europe for a couple of weeks for work. I don't like leaving BBG and kidlets alone, especially when kidlets have caused so much heart ache (and money to solve said heart ache) recently but when I left the van and walked into the terminal today, I was totally at peace. She's fine.

Regardless of everything that has happened, here we are and she's fine. She may forget where she parked the mini van at Target tomorrow or forget to sign homework sheets and let the dogs out in the morning but in the grand scheme of things - every little thing gonna be all right. Its like letting them go off to college. They go and as hard as it is - you let them. They will sink or swim on their own.

This is important to me as I look at flying again. If every one doesn't eat, go to school, pay the bills (the right ones) and balance the check book - if those things don't happen, I'm kind of leaving them in the learch and I'm not that kind of guy.

BTW Iraq or Afghanistan are at least fifteen months out so we have plenty of time to plan all of this if we need to.

Swim baby

Swim!!!

I love you - Earl.

Argggghhhhhh

2008-11-03T23:26:00.004-07:00

Its 30 minutes prior to election day and I am up - sleep is fleeting these days. I know it shouldn't be but I know I'll be here writing in another two hours and work is only six hours away. I don't know if that makes me manic, a moron, or a writer.

I think maybe manic and moron.

I'm in a why me mood today. Its not my BBG's fault and its not the kids fault. I think I own this one all by myself.

That just makes it worse - ownership!

Do you think "Dubya" is up at all hours owning what he's kicked into motion?

I've been offered a slot as an assault pilot for a guard unit. Here is where you roll your eyes and call me a moron. Go ahead - I keep saying it to myself but then the little red devil on right shoulder says; "Do it - you know you want to" and the little white angel on left shoulder says in an appropriately squeeky and less manly voice "If you do..." If you have ever been on your first airplane ride, you probably know the wonderment and freedom of soaring among the clouds.

"... put out my hand touched the face of god" (Gillespie Magee, 1941)

Now - imagine doing it at treetop level, flying a hundred plus miles an hour wearing night vision goggles with the tracers floating up in the distance. I would kill to do this again. I was born to do it. After a few years off of flying I still dream in NVG Green. I sat down with my books and in two hours I had memorized word for word every EP and limitation on the UH-60A/L and I can do blind start-ups like it was yesterday. My apologies to the wife and kidlets but nothing aside from finishing my novels has ever given me the raw emotion of a long night mission in a shitty place. Just writing about it causes the sights, the sounds, the feelings, to well up from inside of me - magnetic!

My BBG was very supportive when I broached the topic. We haven't talked in ten days.

I am a centurian trapped in the poets body, saddled with the guilt of a wife broken in my stead, and father of children who would certainly deserve to resent my flying off to inhospitable places in search of an unforgiving mistress.

I know what the answer should be but I agonize over it all the same. Am I less of a man because I stay behind and pick up the broken pieces for the next couple of decades or am I less of a man because I desperately want my chance to fly fast and low in the dark?

I should have gone to law school.

Rough Week

2008-11-02T21:52:00.006-07:00

I think the title says it all. Some days, some weeks, hell - some years just suck more than others and this week takes the cake.

I wish I had the magic bullet for anyone else out there going through all this but I don't. Every time I start to think I'm getting the hang of this whole post Iraq bullshit - life takes me down a peg. The kids are in trouble, my BBG hates me and no matter what I do its wrong.

I can't even seem to write this week and I was jazzed about the Breast Cancer Screenplay (different from the novel). Every time I sit down to write it feels like my heads going to explode and crap flys from my finger tips. I know its a phaze but I've never had a bad writing phase so I'm a little bit morose about the whole thing.

On a bright note - I scored two goals at my hockey game tonight and one of our local Congressional candidates' (Mike Coffman) wife showed up at our house tonight doing the traditional door to door thing. First, I am totally impressed that someone is actually doing that - this was the first candidate (or supporter) who has shown up at my door since the madness began. Second - she made my wife feel good. I have been failing miserably at making anyone feel good so it was nice to come home post hockey high and actually find my wife in a good mood.

It didn't last but for a few minutes someone running for Congress made my disabled vet feel like she mattered. I know she's not Joe the Plumber and I know its the economy stupid but I would like to remind you that young men and women continue to die in our names. The media just doesn't share it because it makes for bad ratings.

Thank you Mrs. Mike Coffman

BTW - you may have noticed some changes to my music. Its easier than the monthly "whats on my Ipod" that every other blogger does.

Deployed soldier threatened over landscaping

2008-10-20T13:55:00.003-06:00

Thanks to CNN for picking up the following story. By now, you all know that one of my pet peeves is that most of America doesn't want to hear about Iraq or Afghanistan. Those topics, I have been told by media folks are bad for ratings. Gee I wonder how the families of those heroes resting in Section 60 would feel about that. I wonder how the familes of the wounded and injured would feel.

This soldier is deployed in Southwest Asia and his homeowener's association threatened legal action because he didn't finish landscaping his yard before he left. Honestly, it makes me want to fly to Washington State find the HOA pres and slap him silly.

The story also warms my heart: When it hit the local paper, dozens of people showed up to help his family. Hero's - each and every one of you. Thank you!

I know the economy is bad and everyone has three extra mortgages they can't afford but young men and women are dying and being mamed in your names. Stand up for them and remember them in your prayers every day.

There and back again

2008-10-16T14:20:00.004-06:00

I am not a geek!!

I lie...

There's a little bit of geek in all of us - mine just pops out more often than yours. Hence the frequent and shameless Scarlett Jo and Jello plugs. I can't help it, I'm drawn to it (Both SJ and the Jello - preferably together).

Now, the reason for my geekdom spiel and today's title: Like Frodo, Bilbo and the rest of the Hobbits I feel like I've been there and back again - over and over. I blog, I vent, I write, I sputter out and die for awhile. Life after Iraq is a roller coaster. This blog ebbs and flows because there comes a time when I just want to stop and scream. I can't write another word. Two months later, all melancholy and whiny, I realize that I haven't written and I'm sucked back in.

and so here I am - again!

My BBG is doing OK. She's struggling to deal with all of the things she's lost and quilting to keep her mind off of it. She has started a charity Quilt Fiber Fundraisers to raise money for Veterans to attend the wheelchair games and to provide quilts for Quilts of Valor. She has gotten hundreds of quilters from around Colorado to get together at the Colorado History Museum to make quilt tops for Quilts of Valor and a ton of long arm quilters to volunteer their machines and time to actually quilt them. They've raised over 5k so far. In March, they will be auctioning the quilts off at an event in Denver. The finished Quilts will then be signed by the person who purchased it and sent to Quilts of valor. Quilts of Valor gives one to every wounded and injured service member who comes through LRMC in Germany. We have the one they gave to her on the wall of our living room. Like everything else post-Iraq, it stands for everything good and horrible about these wars.

I'm amazed at her tenacity. Despite the pain, the drugs and everything else we're going through she's decided that doing this will somehow make it all better. I love her for it but I wish she would just rest for a couple hundred hours. The kids are delinquent (not really), the house is a disaster (really), and I think the pile of laundry in my son's room made a move at me last night (If only I'd had nods I could have put it down). She's physically shot and emotionally a train wreck this month but she will drug up and work on this fundraiser until there's nothing left.

Then we spend ten days trying to put the pieces of her back together. So here I am, some fresh whine to go with the cheese - back to blogging.

Sometimes I wish it would all just go away.

Anyway, I promise to post more regularly until I'm burned out again then I'll crawl under my rock for awhile.

TIA

Dear Mr. Obama...

2008-09-11T14:03:00.003-06:00

This post is self explanatory to the families of and to those who have served. Please turn off the music above and listen to what this young man has to say.

Nuff Said.

SABRE SIX GOING DOWN

2008-07-16T00:57:00.003-06:00

New Vet Suicide Hotline!!!!!!!!

Please take the time to watch the PSA in the post Below. The VA will be testing this in select markets over the next few weeks but I am told that the phone lines are working. Send the link to everyone you know.

Listen - It doesn't matter who you are, if you're back from over there trying to figure out how to live in the here and now you've thought about suicide. Its an upside down f'd up world and we're all wrung inside out but there is hope.

Some days you've just got to talk to someone and as screwed up as the VA is, there are a lot of people there who care that you stay alive and make it through this.

Families, friends, husbands, wives, sons and daughters its your number too. It sucks living through all of this but the option is a silver box and a flag and I for one choose to live through the hell.

Its living.

VA Suicide Hotline

2008-07-16T00:50:00.005-06:00

Secret Identity Blown

2008-06-06T12:49:00.008-06:00

Now I know how Batman felt.

Well maybe not but I bet Scarlett Johannson would do the jello thing if I were Batman.

Sorry - shameless monthly Scarlett Jo and Jello plug.

When I started this blog I chose not to really advertise who I am. My wife and kids deserve to retain as much of their dignity as they can and I'm not whats important here. Whats important here is that folks get a look at life after Iraq in the eyes of a family who lives it.

Well, I blew it.

As a freelance writer, my essays have been in Newsweek, the Denver Post/Rocky Mountain News, the Washington Post, The Operation Homecoming anthology by Random House and the NEA and a documentary film based on the anthology. Before today, I have never linked my outside writing with my blog.

BTW - none of that has helped me get any of my novels published.

All in good time though, right?

I write all of this for a couple of reasons: 1) Self Therapy - blogs and essays never say I hate you daddy, and 2) Eventually people will take notice - not of me and mine but of the tens of thousands of young, men, women and their families who have it even worse than us because of sandy vacations gone bad. America has relegated us to the sidelines behind Brittany Spear's panties, the price of gas, the housing crisis, and the odd basketball game. These are all less important than young men and women dying and being maimed in our names.

Yesterday, I had a guest commentary in the Denver Post and they (with my blessing) posted a link to this blog. I thought long and hard about doing that. I talked with my family and finally decided that sharing this is really important. Its not important because I'm a freelance writer in need of more newspapers or a publisher - which I am. Its important that we find a way to get America engaged in the process of taking care of its service members - which it is not.

I write this blog so someday maybe someone will read and think about what they can do for the 20 yo ex Army specialist in NC who is so plagued by post TBI migraines that he can't get out of bed let alone work to support his 19 yo wife and infant children. The Army didn't retire him due to a technicality so the local DAV is keeping them afloat, albeit on food stamps. I write this blog in the hopes that someone (or many someones) will see it and send a letter to their congressman or senator demanding more VA funding and better care for our returning heroes and I write it because I know there are a hell of a lot of others, like me, who feel terribly alone.

Here's the link to the Denver Post Essay.

http://www.denverpost.com/opinionheadlines/ci_9480859

TIA

Peter

I'm still an ass

2008-05-31T13:56:00.008-06:00

Arrgggghhh!

Sorry I've been away for a couple of weeks.

I'm finishing my lean six sigma black belt training and with work and trying to finish the breast cancer novel - I'm smoked!

Now you know why I live at http://www.goingwacko.blogspot.com/

My BBG has had a rough couple of weeks. For those of you who don't know, a common side effect of TBIs is post TBI migraines and apparently about 30 to 40% of TBI recoveries involve a lifetime of these babies.

They are frequent
They are debilitating
and they leave you prone in a dark room for days praying for the end.

The good news is that Percocet, Valium, and some other hard to spell drugs provide minor relief. The better news is that lots of the aforementioned drugs provide moderate relief. I'll bet you can see where this is going. BBG has had a rough month with these babies and we are going through the approved list of drugs at the speed of light.

I've been pulling twelve hour days at the office and then 6 to 8 on school and novel at home which rapidly turned into a disaster area. Maybe not so much a disaster area but a minnie Mt St Helen's in my living room kind of mess and my vunderkind haven't done squat. I don't expect them to get on their hands and knees and scrub but at 11, 13, and 15, they ought to be able to throw a pizza box in the trash.

I'm a good father - I yelled at all of them

and mommy

Yeah ... I'm an ass.

The New G.I. Bill - Dead for Now

2008-05-15T22:51:00.011-06:00

FROM CNN

" A measure that would give veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan full four-year scholarships, dubbed a new G.I. Bill, also passed by a vote of 266-166, short of the two-thirds needed to override the promised veto by President Bush.
The added benefits would cost $52 billion over 10 years and would be paid for by a 0.5 percent surtax on individuals making more than $500,000 a year and couples making more than $1 million. Calling the new tax a "patriot premium," Democrats argued that it was time for wealthy Americans to share in the sacrifice that troops are making in Iraq. "

Two quick points:

1) I believe in the idea that wealthy Americans need to share in the pain and sacrifices of our service members and their families. Score one for the Democrats. Actually, I think all of America needs to get engaged in the sacrifices of our military. That would do one of two things: a) force Americans to stand up against the war and bring us home, or b) stand up for the military and make sure our disabled veterans get proper care and treatment from the VA and the military, make sure that our active members are recognized for their service, and provide us the tools and material to execute this war - with a nation behind us. There is no force greater than the one with the full weight of the American people behind it.

2) I am dismayed that the President doesn't care enough about us (Veterans, Service Members and their families) to make sure that we can come home from the war and begin to build new lives with an education that will help us succeed. The excuse that it is too costly pales when you look at the weekly cost of these wars.

As a former Army Officer, I am a Republican. I naturally gravitate towards a Republican Party that has generally done a better job of supporting the military over the years than the Democrats have done.

As Republicans - we have found a new way to fail our vets this week.

F&^ck!

A Brothers Keeper

2008-05-07T16:10:00.004-06:00

Rocky Mountain News' Pulitzer winning prize story linked below:

I'm not sure what bothers me most: The fact that most folks don't care, the fact that many don't want to see it, or the fact that I thank god every day that it wasn't me laying my arms across a coffin.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1511792808/bclid1540979014/bctid1539384998

I guess that takes us back to the sins of the father - husband

sighh

Vet Suicides

2008-04-24T22:57:00.005-06:00

Sorry,

I've been away for the last couple of weeks but we had some serious family issues. I would explain it if I could but you would never believe me. I still don't believe it happened to us.

Think Alfa Dog

Then let it go and lets just say my chick made it home alive.

Now, lets get back to vet suicides.

It turns out that the head of the VAs Mental Health program, Dr. Ira Katz, very specifically chose to hide the real number of vet suicides that are occurring while vets are under the care of the VA. He misrepresented the data to a level that can almost be considered criminal. He is a man under great pressure from an administration that would like to hide what we are all going through and so he stuck his moral compass back in his ruck and marched on. I don't condone it but I understand it. Please check the link below and decide for yourself.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24302814/

Here is my two cents:

Because of my wife's post Iraq PTSD, our family has been receiving mental health care from the VA for over two years now. It is not always perfect, It doesn't always work, and sometimes I walk away wanting to smack somebody but they are always there.

My wife's VA health care workers are killing themselves to take care of us and to provide hope. I know it doesn't always seem like it by I will always be thankful to them. I'd thank them out loud here - they deserve it - but the butterfly theory always stops me from sharing names here. You know who you are and I appreciate you, my bbf (beautiful blond girl for you newbies) appreciates you too.

She would never admit it but she needs you.

BBF may not be healed but she's still here and given the statistics from the article linked above, I'll take it. The problem is not that there are so many vet suicides. A lot of us have served and many will carry these scars forever. We accept this as a part of service. The crime here, is that most of you don't know how badly we are suffering and the man most able to share that with you, hid it because his political masters don't want you to hear more bad news about the WOT. They want sunshine and roses.

This is war folks - no roses left.

Just thorns.

Here is the info you need to share and demand that your political representatives take care of.

Over one million Iraq vets
34% plus PTSD rates
Over 4045 Killed and over 65,000 wounded

Our VA is underfunded and does not have the resources to care for us. The providers there (not the bureaucrats) will go to any lengths to help us but there is only so much they can do with inadequate resources. We came home broken, messed, mentally torn up and it has changed our lives. Most of us have lost jobs, houses, money and lifestyles because we stand on a wall for everyone else. The Army cannot afford to take care of its own so it is passing the buck to the VA. I'm sure it is the same with the Corps as well.

Send Help - we need it.

Please God Make me a McCain-Rice Ticket

2008-04-09T22:11:00.023-06:00

Twice in one day!

Don't tell my wife - she'd never believe I have the stamina. I'm back here for the second time today because I read the blog, linked below, on CNN.

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/

Rumors are rampant among the conservative elite about McCain's running mate. Some have suggested Condaleezza Rice. They just found out how to guarantee my vote. Although some of my democratic friends out and about (LA, NY etc) are probably having nightmares right now, I think this would be a rockin ticket and I would stand on a corner waving a sign for them! Condi stood up to Rummy when no one else would, She's Bill Clinton smart (i.e. oodles of smart) and she knows the global landscape better than anyone else in the United States - aside from maybe the B man himself.

I know she said she's looking forward to going back to Stanford and she'll never see this but I'm going to ask anyway.

Please Madame Secretary! Please... seriously consider running as John McCain's VP. If you do, I will stand on a corneer and wave a sign for you.

Wow - that felt good

although not in a Scarlett J and Jello kind of way.

I had made a promise not to wade in to the politics of the upcoming election on here but, as you can see, I'm breaking it and I will probably continue to do so. As a vet and the husband of a 100%disabled Iraq vet I can no longer sit on the sidelines. Ladies and Gentlemen, whether you agree with it or not, we are at war. I actually like Hillary and I think Barack is one of the best speakers I have ever heard but the reality is, Hillary will say whatever she thinks I want to hear and Barack, despite the fact that he says everything beautifully, has no plan. We need a president who can plan and who is execution oriented (not Al Queda in Iraq execution - get crap done execution). As a nation at war, we need a president who has seen combat. Far too often over these last sixteen years, me and mine have been put in harms way by men who have never wondered if they would live to see the next sunrise.

We cannot accept that while we are at war.

Adding Condoleezza Rice's incredible intellect to John McCain's no nonsense, across the aisle, approach to government might just be what we need to get our foreign and domestic messes sorted out.

BTW - since I'm breaking all the rules tonight, here's a shout out to a great actress, producer, H-land type out in LA - A.L. and her significant other - H. Its been too long guys and I am uber Impressed that someone in your line of work is proud of being a Republican. That takes guts and personal courage! I hope you're having good luck with that special something you're trying to get.

P.S. Would have used your names but life is fragile and you know me - I'd hate to be the butterfly.

Operation Purple - Serious Today

2008-04-09T12:14:00.014-06:00

Its warm (55°) and kinda cloudy today in Denver. South of town where I live, the snow is expected to start flying tonight. Winter Storm Warnings and 4 to 8 of the white stuff.

You've got to love spring time in the Rockies.

I don't talk about my kids too much in here. Most of that is intentional. I love them, would be lost without them but the reality is they just need to try to be kids again. What they've lost, they'll never get back, no matter how hard I try so I usually leave them out of this.

If you and your children have ever lived through having your significant other being medevac'd out of Iraq or Afghanistan you would know that an Army casualty notification kills a piece of their childhood. I hid my wife's injuries until she was within a day or two of coming home. Then I sat down and tried to explain it all to them.

BTW - I probably screwed that part up too. Just add it to the list!

I didn't let them meet her plane at Fort Bragg. She was going straight to the hospital in an ambulance anyway. I did let them visit her there though.

Like us, kids go through phases of loss when dealing with a mom or dad who doesn't hike or climb or play Frisbee or kayak or do any of that fun stuff anymore. we all go through these phases of loss but I think it is harder on them. It has to be - ten year olds haven't learned to deal with loss or pain. Come to think of it - neither have I.

I'm digressing - Sorry!

The point of this post is to talk about Operation Purple: Operation Purple is a series of summer camps around the country for kids of service members who are deployed. Developed and promoted by the national Military Family Association(NMFA) with some serious sponsorship from the Dells and Sears, it is a place where military kids get to be kids again. our children need to be around other kids who know what their lives are like. They need to be around kids who can relate to what they have gone through. They also run some camps for the children of disabled service members and disabled vets of the WOT. These kids (Mine) have a whole other list of issues to deal with.

Please check out the link and spread it around.

http://www.operationpurple.org/

Peace

Iraqi War Vets and Families

2008-04-08T07:52:00.009-06:00

Although the gist of this blog has always been about vets and their families, I'll be the first to admit that I've strayed.

Sorry

In my defense, any of you living in "The Suck" understand that its nice to get away from it once in awhile... and the posts about Scarlett Johannson and Jello are a perfectly normal reaction to a stressful environment so I think you should forgive those too. Time to get back to the real reason I'm here and to give a couple of shout outs:

http://www.groups.msn.com/IraqWarVeterans

Any vet, family member of a vet, friend of a vet and all of the above should check out this link. Its a great group on MSN Groups for, by and about vets. Trust me, the one thing we all need to deal with all of this is someone or many someones who are going through exactly the same thing. Its a great site. Sometimes a little annoying - you can only take so much pain in a day.In the end though, who am I to tell someone whose been over there or married to someone who is back here but mentally still over there to give it a rest. I do after all, write about it every day.

http://www.museoffire.net/Welcome.html

Lawrence Bridges' Muse of Fire is an exploration of the human, historical, and literary value of “Operation Homecoming:” a project created by the NEA to help troops and their families write about their wartime experiences. Featuring interviews and readings by US troops, their families, and distinguished contemporary American writers.

This is a great link to the Film Muse of Fire by larry Bridges. Take a minute and hit Youtube and search Muse of Fire to see some shorts from the film. I can't watch it all the way through without crying and my wife can't watch it all. Of course, I'm in it.

TIA

This is Arabia

I'm an ass

2008-04-06T15:07:00.003-06:00

I turned old this week and I made a big deal out of no one making a big deal out of my birthday.

No one did.

I was pissed. After three and a half years of the post Iraq Army, the VA, The PTSD, the bullsh$#$% the tears, the beers and the lack of sleep, you would think I would learn to say what I mean and mean what I say.

I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that I didn't get a birthday or the fact that I'm older. I think we all probably know the answer to that. I'm still beating myself up because I miss early mornings with bad coffee and fresh Copenhagen as some foreign sun comes up. I live for that but I can't go down that road. It wouldn't be fair to my wife or my kids. I know that. I have known it. I'll always know it.

Still....

The only time in my life I have ever felt truly alive is at 0400 running thirty feet and a hundred knots with fresh batteries in my nods. If you haven't done it, you can't imagine how good it feels.

Sighhh

On a good note, I figured out how to play my music as you read this.

Reap the Whirlwind

2008-04-01T19:56:00.003-06:00

I turned old today

Arggghhhhhhh!

Its funny but as I get older I wonder how much is payback. Eventually, we're all going to pay the man I just wonder if my beautiful blond girl is paying for me or for her.

You know the deal - sins of the father.

Maybe its sins of the husband.

Back to Iraq

2008-03-31T01:42:00.007-06:00

Short and to the point today - just two items:

1) My wife has been working on an armed forces quilt that will hang with some of her other quilts in the Colorado Governor's Mansion this spring and early summer. Like my writing is for me, her quilting is a way to cope. She was so excited to share a year's work with the kids and I when she finally finished it tonight.

Then she cried for hours. I think she thought that finishing this quilt would make the demons go away. It didn't.

The demons never go away.

2) U.S. Army Sergent Keith Matthew Maupin's parents have their son back. Almost four years after his convoy was attacked and he was taken prisoner by Islamic Terrorists the Army has recovered and identified his remains.

God bless them for giving their son when our nation called. I know the war is an unpleasant topic for most of you but he went to Iraq because America asked him to. It is a debt that none of us can repay. I feel humbled in my little day to day issues when I look at their pain and sacrifice.

our lives may not be the same since my little blond girl came back but she came home and for that I am forever grateful.

Two other soldiers are still missing in Iraq.
Over 2400 remain unaccounted for in Vietnam
over 75,000 from WWII.

Fed Bailout of Individual Mortgages?

2008-03-26T16:54:00.004-06:00

Today is a good day to talk politics.

The Iraqi government is in a full fledged battle with Al Sadr's boys in Basra. Hillary can't get her story straight - It was like totally awful with like bullets flying everywhere and the Bosnian Muslims attacking in hordes. OMG!!!

... and my good buddy Barack keeps singing me sunshine songs while birdies fly around his (and Cinderella's) heads. WTF?

Today CNN had a story focused on the fact that there is more traction in Washington to bail individual homeowners out of the mortgage mess.

Again - WTF!!!

Lets be honest folks - did you really think your fifty-five grand a year salary could pay for that five hundred thousand dollar house? Because of you folks, the itty bitty little house next to the one I rent costs four hundred thousand dollars. All these folks drove the market up and up and up on wishes, prayers, pixies and fairy dust. Those of us who were responsible, didn't get that reverse ammortization, interest only, resetable mortgage because we had the brains of my twelve year old.

In his defense - he stopped picking his nose at seven so we're pretty sure the elevator goes all the way to the top floor. What about the rest of you?

I used my head and didn't drop into the hype and now when home prices are resetting into more intelligent levels where I might be able to afford a decent one, the government is going to bail everyone out. That will just cause the average home price to hold steady at an untennable level while banks won't even give mortgages to people with good credit.

What ever happened to personal responsibility?

Gettin Published

2008-03-23T23:53:00.004-06:00

I was commiserating with a friend (English teach/writer turned lawyer because somebody has to feed the dogs and kids) today about how hard it is to get published these days when he reminded me that Ive been published a buttload.

Buttload BTW is my word for the day and means; lots, oodles, more than average in a a quirky sort of way i.e. I like you buttloads.

He's right, I've been uber fortunate to get my stuff into some major U.S. papers and magazines with global reach so I should really stop bitchin and get back to writing. For those of you who fantasize daily, like I do (when I'm done with Scarlett Johansson and Jello) about being an author, you realize that it's not about what you've already done but what's coming next.

I tend to work on a screenplay or two and a couple of novels all at the same time. If I do it that way, whenever one of my characters isn't behaving the way I'd like them too, I just move on to the next one or the next project. Its a huge perk of being a writer - if you don't behave, I won't invent you. I'll let you shrivel up and die and disappear into the great nothing and no one will ever know you even existed.

Its harsh but its good for the soul to have power over something sometimes. I'm married and have kids so I have power over nothing. For me, power over my character isn't so much a nicety as a need and let me tell you; I have needs - did I mention Scarlett Johansson and Jello?

Anyyyyway - Its not being published that drives me, although the car does need a new alternator and my middle son has a hollow leg, oh yeah and the border collie needed surgery last week.

I write because I want people to feel, if only for a moment, the way I feel, the way my characters feel when they live their lives. Getting cash on the side would be cool but to me its more about sharing the emotion and the day to day that make up the here and now. One day, one or more of my novels will sell and the vet can cut up the dog without fear of that look in my eye - you know the one measuring the balance between surgery and the final shot.

Of course to get there, I should probably go find an agent.

Cliente Nueve

2008-03-11T19:44:00.004-06:00

Here we are almost five years from the invasion of Iraq and I have nothing to say about the matter. OK, thats not exactly correct, I sold that to a newspaper this morning so I can't share it here.

I do however have lots to say about Client Number Nine. Yes you guessed it, I have to wade in. Afterall, its become apparent that it isn't just Governor Spitzer's poll numbers that have been dropping. I wonder if Bill Clinton could call and give him a couple of pointers?

Little things like:

1. Dude - next time use an intern
2. I know where you can get a good price on Havannas
3. Hilliary would have killed me if I'd sent for take out.

I know I shouldn't be making fun of a man who got caught following the wrong advisor but isn't that something we all learned back in college. It is also amazingly funny to me that he is America's premiere crime fighter.

There are one or two sobering thoughts that go into this:

1. The money he spent on a piece of a$$ for two hours could pay off my wife's debt to the Army for overpayment of combat pay when she was medevac'd out.
2. Do you know how many homeless vets he could have fed instead of feeding something else to someone else?

** The most sobering though of all: While new York Governor Elliot Spitzer was cheating on his wife and the people of New York in a D.C. hotel, a U.S Army Staff Sergent was killed at Camp Beuhring Kuwait.

Of the people by the people and for the people

yeah - got it.

Something That I like to Listen to when

2008-03-11T17:56:00.000-06:00

Politics and Anger

2008-02-24T22:44:00.003-07:00

As the title implies, I intended for this little spooge session to be all about the elections.

Oops

I just can't seem to bring myself to get engaged in the political process. Hillary promises whatever the current audience seems to want to hear, Obama promises nothing really (Although he sounds wonderful when he does it) and John McCain promises (although not in so many words) that my children will join the fate of their parents and fight in Iraq, Afghanistan or some other third world place that doesn't like Americans.

Its hard to get excited about the process when its just that - a process to see which set of empty promises we will follow into the next phase of the WOT (war on terror). Fortunately, the rest of America is focused on the really important issues like Brittany's visitation rights and why Wal~Mart is bad.

Its a wonder the Vagina Monologues every made it big.

I have however channeled my rage and I'm coming along nicely with my writing. I just finished another screenplay and am madly working on a novel about breast cancer. My mother in-law is a survivor and her sister is in treatment now so it has been a good place to focus the anger. A friend told me I was "Whack" for writing love stories but I did remind him that everybody dies in the end so its in perfect keeping with everything else in our lives right now.

BTW - What the F*&$ does whack mean?

I am also finding that my anger is harder to find these days. I read the Iraqi bloggers and find myself crushed by their misery and uplifted by how they manage to go on. I think the difference is the economy of scale. I have lost the girl I once knew but am slowly finding the one I have now. She is still beautiful, alive, and little bits of her poke out when I least expect it. They have lost friends and families, neighborhoods and cities, they live in fear every day yet they find time to laugh at the silly things their mothers say when the power comes on.

I wonder if they hate me because I am Amis or if they are as curious about me as I am about them. Strangely, the only friend from Iraq that my wife thinks about every day is the Iraqi surgeon who kept her sane when the madness swirled around her. You would think that I would be concerned when she calls his name in her sleep but I'm not. He was a light in the darkness and I am thankful for a man who kept a light shining in the darkest of places. I would write his name and say thank you or try to find him but I dare not. Life is a delicate thing and I would hate to be the butterfly.

Today's ramble is done and I feel better for it. As it goes, I am writing uncontrollably lately so perhaps more will soon follow.

The Army wants the money

2007-11-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

Its 0300 and as per normal, I'm up again

writing.

I just saw the CNN story about a wounded warrior who received a letter from the Army demanding repayment of his bonus because he had the wherewith all to go and get himself wounded in Iraq before his enlistment was up.

Cheeky bastard eh?

Sadly, he isn't alone.

I know this because my wife is one of those that the Army has gone after for cash. They didn't turn off her combat pay when she was medevac'd out of Iraq. I went to the SRC and was told it was fixed. I guess I should have gone on line and checked her LES's but I was pretty damn busy keeping track of seventeen different meds, a buttload of appointments, the Med Board process, three kids and a job I ended up having to give up because I couldn't keep up with the load and take care of her.

FUCK!!!

Sorry, it slips out sometimes.

When she was medically retired, I moved out to a job in Denver before her and the kids. A week before the move and the Army said we had too much stuff and would have to pay more cash to get us moved. Apparently we were over weight when we came in but they chose to overlook that.

They need bodies for Iraq.

The sad part is that when I called the Army, they told me to get a U-Haul and move them myself. I guess they don't really understand how broke you get when all of this happens. I guess they misunderstood when I said I was at a new job in Colorado, three thousand miles away from Fort Bragg.

Now they send letters monthly and call just as much and I've got to be honest. The bill is over fourteen grand given interest and fines. How the hell am I going to pay that? They damn near killed her. Her life and the lives of our children are negatively altered forever and now they want cash? I know the budget is tight but this is the wrong way to fill the gaps folks.

Thank you for your service. Gosh we're awfully sorry you got so fucked up. Will that be cash or check?

Food for thought folks. PLEASE DON"T LET THIS STORY DIE - there are thousands more out there going through the same thing.

There and back again:

2007-11-13T00:37:00.001-07:00

Its funny, I've tried to get into this blog twice and failed both times. Horrible stuff comes out and I post it and read it every few days and wrap myself in my anger and ignore it. I swear I'll never post again.

Great combo eh? A liar and a writer!

I think I've finally come to terms with all of this. There is nothing I can do. My beautiful bride is no better, my three children are worse, and my writing has come to a standstill. I haven't done anything in a couple of weeks. I have another novel completed and I'm almost done with another screenplay but I can't bring myself to look at them let alone edit them. It would kill me if I had the time to die.

My girl is alive but that's about it. Her bouts with PTSD are at a new level of extreme, my oldest - a beautiful blond teenage girl with a zest for life, just came out of rehab and has physical and emotional scars that won't heal. As she told her mother today - I hate you for going to Iraq. Why did you do that to us?

So much for zest.

Right now, I'm just praying for life.

My son is much better. He only goes to the Principal's office daily for being an angry smart-ass with his teachers. When I try to explain to the principal what we're going through, he smiles and nods and tells me how his dad served in the Navy for years, thanks me for our service and then tells me that he wants to suspend my little boy who still says "sir" and "ma'am" and wishes he could have a sleep-over just once.

He can't!

Mom can no longer control her body temperature so she's sleeping in the family room with the A/C on - while the snow flies outside the window. If I come home late from work, my littlest is snuggled on the couch, asleep next to her mommy - ski hat on her head.

My wife's therapist from the VA is a wonderful person. She called me last week just to see how I was doing. How do you tell her that you're ready to come unglued when you're holding the last tenuous string that's keeping a family from imploding. Besides, its not like they can do anything. She can't see my kids and me too. She's buried alive in patients and that's not part of the deal.

After they've screwed them for a couple of years, the military and the VA eventually take care of the soldiers. As a nation we are forcing them to do that. As for the families - wave your flag and shut up.

The VA is desperately underfunded. No that's not true. They've spent a million bucks to see if they can follow PTSD patients via phone. What they have not done is hired more mental health professionals and If you haven't figured it out from the rest of my post ...

WE NEED THEM!!!!

I'd just like to thank the Democrats and Republicans for playing politics with the Veterans Bill. We don't need the money. Honest, we'll make do. At least that's what I say when I'm lying to my children.

Late Nights

2007-08-04T00:56:00.000-06:00

Another late night....

We found out today that my blushing bride (I'll simply refer to her as JTE from now on) is off to the VA's only inpatient program for women vets with PTSD. Its a sixty to ninety day deep dive and I hope it will be good for her. Actually, we found out last week that she had been accepted but it took her several days and a half dozen pro con lists before she finally decided to give it a go. This group will all be combat vets from Iraq so I think that will be good for her. The final deciding factor - only forty beds a year for this and she may not get another chance for a long time.

She doesn't have a long time.

Actually, I don't think any of us do. The kids are totally fried and so am I and I know she's living on the edge. I don't think she or I have had a full night sleep in the two years since she got medevac'd out of Iraq. She's having really bad nightmares again and I half expect to find her standing to on the perimeter when I hear her screaming.

I guess that'll keep the neighbors on their toes.

I'm sure I'm not helping her at all. I quit my job last spring because I couldn't keep up the seventy hour a week schedule and help her at home - which was falling apart. Now, were flat broke and I've had to go back to work. The new job is awesome (my first time back in Aviation since I got hurt and the Army grounded me) and the hours are much better. I get to talk aviation all day and several of the other guys are also Black Hawk Pilots but I think she is afraid that I'll get hooked on the flying again and sign up with the Guard.

Don't get me wrong, the thought has crossed my mind but I won't do it. I can't imagine that me heading over for a sandy vacation would help her PTSD at all. Straight up - I think it would kill her. Then of course there are the kids. None of them are doing well with this at all. I wish I could make it better for them but there's nothing to say. Mommy's broken and I don't know when it will get any better or if it will get any better - hang in there?

Now, I have to figure out how to balance the new job and three kids while she goes off to get help. I'm not much help these days. I sucked at it when she went to Iraq in the first place - I can't imagine I'll be any better this time..

PTSD - Real!

2007-08-02T21:40:00.000-06:00

This is it.

I've finally decided to join a bazillion other sad mother fuckers and spew my crap on-line. If you're reading this, I should be thankful or surprised. Frankly, I'm stunned.

I wouldn't read it.

I'm here for the nuts. Actually, I'm here to talk about the nuts - me, you, my crazy neurotic little German Short Hair dog and the wierd girl at work who insists on sharing her tongue ring with me every time we walk by each other in the hall.

Hint: I'm more impressed by the Gene Simmons tongue than I am by the ring. Wow!

Seriously though, the real purpose is to reach someone - hopefully a million someones because all those crazy dudes on the side of the road (you know: the Viet Nam guys who scare the shit out of us) are being replaced. They're being replaced with our friends from high school, the kid who mowed my lawn last summer and, oh yeah here's the biggie, our Sisters, Mothers and Wives. The VA is underfunded, care is almost impossible to get, nobody really cares and every day thousands more are coming home. How many have killed themselves, killed someone else, died inside? I don't know but I'm going to do my best to find out.

When I do, I'll share it with you.

I figured I'd do my part by blogging. I'm gonna share everything I can find about our soldiers who are returning from Iraq with PTSD. Maybe one of you will share this with one other person and so on. Maybe Mitt or Rudy or even Hillary will step off the soap box for just an afternoon and live in their shoes, cry with their families, listen to their lives, change something.

BTW: Gene Simmons girl - no ass at all.

and

I'm married to one of those severely disabled soldiers with PTSD. My kids and I live with my wife's pain every day. - the anger, the nightmares, the late nights, the drugs and the loss of self in a selfish world. As our world falls apart, I'm inviting you to come along for the ride. I'll spill the beans as much as I can without letting you know who she is. The last shred of dignity she has left is her privacy and I'm not gonna take that one away because

I love her.